Monday, 25 April 2016

Criminal waste of talent.


I'm a recent convert to TV crime dramas having previously always been on the scared end of the viewing populous. I was cured of this by exposure to a couple of series of the 'big blood budget extravaganza' Game of Thrones. By series 3 my "queeze level" was set to maximum and I barely turned a hair as important bits of various characters got chopped off, or poked in, or ripped out, willy nilly.

However when it comes to "nilly willies" none are more abundantly non apparent, than in a good crime drama.

In amongst the furrowed brows and lingering looks and oft repeated questions like "are you saying we have a serial killer on our hands inspector?", we have the ubiquitous morgue scene and it's here that for women actors their three years at drama school are rewarded by playing "topless corpse one." "topless rape victim 12" or "topless kidnapping target 57"

Because whether you're the "crack psychological profiler" the "old detective brought out of retirement" "the private detective who knows he has to help the hapless cops" or "Nigel who makes the tea and sorts the post", it's crucial that you nip down to the mortuary, rip off the sheet and have a good gawp at the naked upper torso of the female victim. 

This often leads to a thoughtful meander over to the other side of the room, ensuring a mid and long shot of "the drama student who had hoped for more" and a bit of an argument across the corpse's breasts between said male lead and the pathologist. They usually  'have a history' of some kind and absolutely have to discuss whatever it is right then and there, with background corpse nipples resting quietly.

I should to a moment to underline the fact that said breasts are no older that 35, because this is what good TV police work is all about. No detective worth their salt can be expected to consider any evidence follow leads or interview suspects unless they appraise the breasts of the women victims first. 

Really I blame science.

Oddly there are no instances of thigh or stomach injuries sustained by male corpses, which require a good long squint at the penile region of male corpses but hey, I don't make the rules.